Project Kathan

Skye, Kochi

Conversation by voice notes, November 26, 2024

I have PCOS. I did have it. And in my last check-up, they were like, you’re not showing PCOS anymore. But I did have it. Going to the gynecologist’s has always been a task, because as a “fat person”, you can feel the prejudice from a kilometre away. And its not like its just prejudice, yes, weight is a factor but then its always, my parents, my dad is also very fat shaming it gets kind of weird, most of the time, in issues related to my PCOS, I remember the last time I went for check-up, she was way kinder. She also brought various factors to it, instead of just putting it on my weight.

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I don’t think I’ve ever felt confident enough in telling a doctor my chosen name. I’ve been going to a psychiatrist for three years now. Initially, I went to this clinic where both my psychologist and psychiatrist were. I had told them my chosen name and everything, but now that I go to a psychiatrist and therapist online, I don’t feel confident in telling them my chosen name at all.

Medical spaces are never gender-affirming in any way. I’m nonbinary, genderfluid, but more than the gender part or the queerphobia, what always stops me is the fatphobia. I think I have some issues like, I think uterine prolapse is a possibility. But I’m too scared to go to a doctor, to be honest.

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They also make the pubic hair part very weird. I once had a very minor surgery on my inner thigs, I had a cyst that had to be removed. I remember that I was so nervous, when I got to know that there’ll be shaving of public hair. I just didn’t want anyone else to do it, also I did it myself, for the first time ever, and I was younger, way younger, I think 9^th grade or so. I went back there and that woman shaved anyway, and it was very weird. It was a very weird experience for me obviously. On top of that, she was telling me how I should shave regularly and all that. It’s not something I do anymore, but I think it was kind of weird.

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I also remember that when I was a child, I saw in a magazine that for saggy breasts, the only thing to do is surgery, which is true, but it also freaked me out because they didn’t say that saggy breasts are okay. I thought it was a problem and that I have to get it fixed. (laughs)

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In terms of mental health also, it is a fact that I’m perceived as a woman made it 10 times more difficult to get my ADHD diagnosis. I went to multiple doctors my first psychologist didn’t respond well to me coming out as Bi, she was like how are you sure that you are not just a lesbian? And then she asked me to imagine myself with and imagine myself with a girl. She made me so vehemently uncomfortable, because imagining being with anyone, as in, now I have a partner or people I’ve had sex with. Back then, I didn’t have anyone, and back then I was like 18, or going to be 19, and to “imagine” it was so weird!